two years: two tweet-tweets

Today we are celebrating a teeny tiny life that we were so blessed to love and carry. (If you are totally lost, feel free to check out this post here to fill you in) Feb 1 is the day we lost Parker Grace. So as to keep the girls’ birthday special for C and not cast any weirdness over it, we choose to celebrate Parker on the 1.  I’m not going to lie, I had hoped this day would be “different”. You know, that my child wouldn’t throw any fits, would cuddle with me & do cute things to make me laugh. That she would sleep in and no longer have a case of the sickies. That I’d get to go on a long mind cleansing run outside. That life would basically stand still because of what Feb 1 means to me. Ha. I know, selfish right?  And then life went on. Motherhood happens. I ran on the treadmill in the basement while watching Matt Laurer  discuss the GOP while simultaneous trying to keep my sick, snotty nosed little girl from crawling on top of tubs that I’m in the middle of packing. I finished all of two whole miles  before she was DONE being downstairs. We then headed up stairs to eat breakfast only to find that the dog had just peed on the carpet. Awesome. I pretty much had a break down over my scrambled eggs & selfishly asked God why. Why did today have to go this way. Stop laughing, I really did. But that’s life. And if a shortened run and a silly dog are my biggest complaints today I’ll take them.

Sure as hell beats what was happening two years ago today.

I’m feeling kind of reflective this morning, so go with it. My heart has been pulled in so many directions as I felt Parker’s anniversary coming up. Sadness, confusion, relief, resentment…and joy. Yep joy. I think about her every single day (especially the days with an exceptionally energetic toddler). I still think about that day two years ago when we learned we had just lost her. I still have anger and bitterness at my former OB…just being honest. But I am in such a better place. I prayed that God would make beauty from our ashes and He has. I’ve learned that there is a beauty in heartache & loss. As humans we were made to love. But sometimes we don’t understand the depth of love until you lose something. I have quiet moments where I treasure her or think about her. A particularly blue sky. Going up to the mountains. Running on the beach. Moments when I can just feel that she is there. When I’m feeling that sucker punch of loss, I have a prayer that I pray, “God use her life. Let this sadness be used for something greater” And you know, He’s done it. Almost every time I pray that I get a random email from a friend who has a friend who just lost a baby.  I’ve connected with women across the country who I’ve been able to pray for and encourage – all because of little Parker. I’ve been feeling God pushing me to do something else – something I’m not totally comfortable sharing yet because I’m going to be honest, the first time I felt the nudge I basically said,  ”No thanks God. Pretty sure I couldn’t handle that. But thanks for the nudge”. And then the nudge got stronger.  And then I had a confirmation from an old friend last week. I believe God gives us gifts along our journey in order for us to be able to give back and I’m watching him open some doors for that opportunity right now. I might or might not go into more details down the road, but for now I’m praying for the courage to venture down that road.

So anyways, here we are two years down the road. And you know what? We’re okay. We’re more than okay, we are blessed beyond measure.  While Parker is forever our heavenly daughter, we find the joy in everyday life. We treasure our earthly daughter, even her tantrums, because it means she’s here.  Two years ago it was a moment by moment situation. Most days were “make yourself get out of the bed, get dressed and get out the door. Do it for baby hope.” Today were are good. I know that the beauty will be when I get to one day see her face again, her whole complete beautiful face. It’ll happen. But for now, I look forward to what God will do with our journey.

Every body has a journey, and this is ours. If you know someone who has recently lost a baby and needs someone to talk to, please give them my name/email/blog whatever. I’m always available to talk and pray with them.

We don’t have a grave to visit or decorate with flowers. We have a box of ashes that hasn’t even made it’s way into an urn (I still can’t do that). I’m not one for just sitting around and crying, so Campbell and I headed to buy some balloons today and then to the park to send them up to Parker. And while these photos are far from perfect from a photographer’s perspective, they’re perfect from a mama’s perspective.

Oh, and the “two tweet-tweets”?  Tweet tweet is what campbell calls birds. I frequently wear a necklace that has two birds. One on a branch and one taking flight. It means so so so much to me. I’m wearing it today. Campbell looked at it today and said “two tweet tweets”. Pretty darn cute.

Thank you to all of our friends and family who’ve remembered –  Who’ve sent emails, text messages & cards or left voicemails this past week – Thank you. The fact that you remembered and took time to say something means more than we can ever express.